1. Sleep is not essential. It actually takes 11 days of no sleep before you die so don’t worry, 8 or 9 days is fine. You will also most probably fight every day with your other half about who is the most sleep deprived (obviously me).
2. You will basically live in a dressing gown for the next 20 years. I don’t feel like I need to elaborate any further with this statement. So invest well.
3. Usually argue about who will do the washing up? Well – you will fight with your significant other over who is going to do the house work, and you will want to do it! Because even scooping hair our of the shower plug will get you 3 minutes peace and quite in the bathroom (heaven).
4. Much to contrary belief, nobody gives a toss if you leave the house looking like a bag of dicks. Daily Mail paps will NOT be waiting outside your house to see you crying and swearing trying to leave the house for 8am for your 6 week check (or just your weekly food shop). Your neighbours might, but hey, we’ve all been there!
5. It takes ages to feel nice again. Like, a proper long time.
6. You spend all your disposable money on your children, feed them, bath them, dress them, take them to nice places and to be quite Frank, they don’t give a shit. Don’t be expecting them to send you flowers anytime soon.
7. The inside of your car will look like a skip. Don’t be precious about it.
8. All the cute things you bought while you were pregnant will be irrelevant and useless. Really useless. Why on earth did I buy them hareem pants in 0-3 months ?
9. Peppa pig is god. A cocky, pink, bossy, fascist god. She will drive you to the point of britney spears 2007 head shave crazy but she will also keep your little ones in check. “Big balloon, big balloon” come on you all know the words.
10. Getting ready in the morning is like a 3 ringed circus. Have you ever tried getting yourself and your kids dressed AND brushing your hair with a toddler on your leg and another on your back shouting “MORE MORE MORE MAAAAAMA DAAAADA” ? Have you ever had to lock yourself in the bathroom to brush your teeth because you know if you let them in they’ll throw their own toothbrushes down the toilet AGAIN. Have you ever had to use the air con full blast in your car en route to work as a kind of blow dry? Honestly, Philip Schofield – get in touch! I’ll let you use it on The Cube.
11. Underwear that comes out of the wash the colour it went in is a rarity. Dam you kids socks. Hello grey knickers!
12. You will start to re assess your wardrobe – after a long and healthy relationship I decided it was time to move on from my trusted hotpants – a staple piece of memorabilia from my time up Leigh in my late teens. I can no longer justify such slutty fashion disasters now that I am a Mum. (
I also cannot fit into them anyway
13. Dressing your home is pointless. Take all your nice things down, put them in a box and just forget about them for 12 years.
14. Groundhog day is an actual thing. It consists of lots of shouting “NO” “GET DOWN FROM THERE”, “DON’T WIPE THAT ON THERE” AND “DIRTY BOY”, lots of mess, lots of crying and lots of CBeebies. (Funnily enough we’re having one today – this one includes sick.)
15. 6am and 8pm become the new ‘day norm’. Ask me to party outside these hours and I’ll laugh in your face.
16. A hangover with kids is like licking cream from a used pair of John McCrick’s undies.
17. Listening to morning radio after 9 months maternity leave is like when Edison recorded sound for the first time. You will never take the radio for granted ever again! I honestly felt like I was going through a break up with Nick Grimshaw.
18. “Baby brain” lasts longer than you think, it should instead be called “parent brain” you will experience symptoms such as being able to catch your child from bowling themselves head first off the sofa with only your left foot and a hot cup of tea in your hand (super powers), but on the flip side, you will leave your husbands car running on a car park for 4 hours without even realising you hadn’t taken the keys out. (I got proper done but I’m still here to tell the tale).
I feel like I could write 100374 of these so maybe I’ll do an update one when they’re 2!
You’re welcome to add to this below!
Lots of love,