parenting

Feral little me.

I’m feeling like we have well and truly passed the baby stage! The twins have just turned 17 months old and OMG what happened to my cute little innocent old men looking aliens? Honestly, they all of a sudden look and act 5. Like, is it normal for them for be able to break out of their car seats and open the car door while I’m driving? No, Didn’t think so. Tbh I think they know I have a good life cover policy in place so they’re in cahoots with Jordan to go to Disney Land once I’ve croaked it from cardiac arrest.

I’m starting to think that my children are my karma for being such a naughty child myself. I once stabbed my sister in the backside with a fork. I have no idea how my parents disciplined that… I do remember them disciplining me though for cracking her head open via a pot of facial glitter (you remember those?) Which subsequently got me banned from attending the Steps concert at M.E.N. I can hardly ban the twins from attending such concerts at the minute because… ermmm… well they’re not even 2 and the only concert we will be going to anytime soon is ‘In the night garden live’ with Iggle Piggle and the rest of his drugged up cronies. I once left vics vapour rub smeared all over my sister’s pillow and an upright needle pinned into it. Psycho shit right ? I’m not an absolute lunatic I was just feral and I’m starting to believe my two will hike the same route – which is all very well until somebody loses an eye to a pillow needle gate. I remember my sister and I dressing my brother up as a girl and then locking him in the living room for hours on end by putting a dining chair underneath the door handle meaning he couldnt turn it (we were clever little bastards). I remember putting my tea on my brothers plate every night when he wasn’t looking so my parents let me leave the table and he had to stay crying or going without pudding because he couldn’t finish it. (I do not have this problem anymore unfortunately and if anybody takes anything from my plate I will hurt them). I remember picking my brother up from primary school and teaching him how to say “bloody hell” then making him shout it into the beaks of the penguin dustbin on the playground infront of other horrified parents. It’s a wonder we’ve all turned out OK. And when I say OK I mean that none of us have been to prison.

On Friday, Freddie gave William a kiss on the cheek but then bit him so hard he literally leapt out of his seat with his arms spread like an eagle and face planted the floor – much to Freddies delight. Just yesterday, I caught them moving their little chairs to the landing to try and throw themselves over the bannister, they keep taking their nappies off in their cots, throwing porridge up my kitchen walls and laughing, pulling poor Jordan’s ears, pulling my hair, terrorising poor Eric by riding him like a Blackpool donkey, showing us their ‘todgers’ and pulling them too! Jordan has told them they’ll fall off but they don’t seem to listen. I can laugh at most, *MOST* of this – my problem is with the discipline – like how do they even know to throw themselves to the floor like a footballer when I tell them “no” “naughty” or to “put their todger away”? It’s not like they’ve seen me or Jordan do it (promise!) Ad then we get the screaming – THE SCREAMING! They scream and scream until they have literally no idea what they are screaming about? It is driving me Justin’s House crazy! Now if they do turn out like me then disciplining them is going to be very hard, for instance; In detention with Frau Anders at school I planted a mouldy banana skin in her desk tissue box then faked a sneeze so she found it. Baring in mind I was already on my last warning with my parents to ‘move schools’ from one more letter home – this went down like a shit sandwich. A shit banana sandwich. What I’m trying to say, basically, is that I won’t ever be told what to do (ask Jordan), nor do I understand when a line has been crossed. So how can I expect my children to?

My current worry is an expulsion from nursery for their constant biting but then looking to the future how will I cope with them using their mattress as a sleigh down the stairs, roller blading across a new leather couch, prank calling the local off licence asking for a Bombay bad boy, to getting cider drunk on a park every weekend, egging houses, egging people for that matter, shouting “builders show us ya willies” to the school joiners with the English teacher stood right behind you (that made for a really good letter home).

Mum and Dad you did a great job at keeping us out of the naughty children prison and I’m really sorry for being such a little shit. So does that mean karma will be nice to me now like in the Disney films where the spell is broken once they understand the error of their ways?

** FREDDIE AND WILLIAM IF YOU’RE READING THIS, WELL SO IS FATHER CHRISTMAS! **

Ruth xxx

I’D LOVE TO KNOW YOUR FUNNY KID STORIES SO PLEASE LEAVE THEM BELOW OR ON MY INSTA πŸ™‚

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