Firstly, I would like to thank everybody from the bottom of my heart for all the lovely comments and shares on Instagram, WordPress and Facebook from my first blog. I really didn’t expect the response – so here I am writing another… THANK YOU!
The first 3 months for me was the hardest journey I’ve ever had to endure (let me point out early on that it is all worth it) but never the less – HARD. I started off my New Mum Journey with a full bloody week in Bolton Royal. From 8pm every night I was left on my own to endure the night feeds until 9am the following morning. I’d had a C-section so my mobility was that of (pre pregnant) me on an all day bender in Manchester, one baby would latch and one wouldn’t and obviously my lovely little offsprings decided that sleeping at the same time wasn’t really for them. (they’ve been out to get me since day 1). Aside from being strung up by my ankles like a cow in a slaughter house whilst delivering my children, a particular high from my time on the ward was a breastfeeding nurse lactating me like an actual animal so I could get the good stuff to Freddie. (remember me saying how ALL your dignity goes out the window?) I was desperate to get home, mainly so I could get some sleep! I can’t be the only one in the world who ‘didn’t sleep when the babies slept’ (who even came up with that advice? Shut up). Every little grunt, every little murmur I was watching my babies like a paranoid hawk on acid. Besides – one of them always wanted feeding. Day 4 – I hit breaking point. I had been awake alllll night with the boys, like, as in, I didn’t shut my eyes. Jordan arrived to take over at 9am – I remember fighting to keep my eyes open when I heard his little pansy winkle pickers tip tapping down the corridor! At 9:01 I fell asleep on my hospital bed with Wills in my arms, the next thing I knew a midwife was scooping him up off the floor and rushing him down to the paediatric doctor on the ward. I was SO tired that I didn’t even leave my bed for a good 2 minutes until I realised what had actually happened. That truly knocked my confidence for six and I was so embarrassed and ashamed I let that happen. Luckily William was absolutely fine and after 2 days in special care we were all allowed home.
I pictured me ‘bringing the twins home’ like something from a film – like “what to expect when you’re expecting”. Let me tell you – it was nothing like, and for quite a few reasons! We got discharged at 20 to midnight because I refused to stay another night (sorry NHS staff but it had been a week and I wasn’t going to be lactated or bed washed for one more day!) I hobbled to the car, tried to park my massive flat** arse between TWO car seats and subsequently had to be hoisted out by my angry husband and moved to the front seat, both kids were screaming (so my boobs were going wild #leakgate), we were desperately trying to collapse a Bugaboo donkey pram, 5 helium balloons, 2 car seats, a whale (me) a weeks worth of hospital shit, an industrial sized breast (probably used on farms) pump and Jordan into the car. It was honestly like something off of Laurel and Hardy instead – and I was definitely Hardy. (including his tash – I couldn’t use ‘Jolen muzza bleach’ when I was preggo).
**why does your arse go so flat after having a baby? It’s back to normal now but I am just curious.
Let me cut to the chase, let me tell you about the shite part that they don’t teach you at pre natal classes, the 3 days post birth meltdown also known as the BABY BLUES. The baby blues isn’t just a little sob about how tired you are or how sore your bits are, or how much hair (on your head) you loose (don’t even get me started on that!) no, baby blues are 9 months of weird hormones exiting your body in one go – usually as your milk comes in. You will cry and cry and cry and cry over nothing. I’ve spoken with people whose baby blues lasted a week and I’ve spoken with people who still suffer them a year on. Mine lasted around 4 weeks – I knew I wasn’t depressed but I can quite easily understand how people suffer PND after having a baby. Just to put things into perspective of my ‘sleep deprived baby blues’ state, around 3 weeks after having the boys, I was driving to the Trafford Centre, we’d had a terrible night with the boys (15 bottles in one night – pic below), I had an abscess under my back tooth, I had absolutely no idea what to do with them and I just thought my life was over. Anyway, I was driving, and I actually considered crashing my car into a brick wall and mildly injuring myself, so that I could go to hospital for some sleep – YES – THAT IS HOW BAT SHIT CRAZY I WAS.
I absolutely did not enjoy being a mum, I was being used, they didn’t like me, they wouldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breast feed them both and I was totally paranoid that we were keeping the neighbours up all night and they would subsequently report us to the council for noise pollution. I’m actually quite surprised they didn’t call the police after we gave the twins their first bath at home – Christ! I remember crying once because I thought I’d never be able to eat my tea at the table with Jordan ever again. I cried because we had ran out of Lucozade – to be fair I literally survived on this, red bull and pot noodles for a good 8 weeks, I cried that poor Eric (the dog) was being pushed out, I cried and unfollowed all the Victorias Secret models on insta – stick it Gisele! I honestly felt like they had totally ruined my life (the twins not VS models – although they don’t help) and I didn’t feel the ‘overwhelming’ sense of love that others had told me I’d feel. I felt an overwhelming sense of fear instead. I just did not enjoy it – and nothing, no classes, no advice could prepare me for those first few weeks.
I subsequently found out that it was probably the amount of redbull/lucozade in my breast milk that was keeping the boys up all night FYI.
Once the baby blue cloud had jogged on and we started to pick up a bit of a routine at home it all started to feel a bit better. not easy, but better – we invested in swingy chairs, (God send), we started cooking actual nutritious meals, we got more than 41 minutes sleep a night and we were able to have a conversation that didn’t involve me crying. When the twins were 3 months old Jordan and I had our first night away in Kirby Lonsdale. My in laws were babysitting – we couldn’t wait. We skipped out the house, got absolutely arseholed, were in bed for 10pm and woke up with adult headaches. I rang my in laws in the evening “because that is what good mums do” and I rang them in the morning. I did not miss them one little bit…I was just happy to have some fun and get some sleep (all be it more of an alcohol induced coma).
Now obviously all this has changed now which I will go into in future blogs. What I will say is that ‘just one day’ it all clicked. And now they’re my greatest fear because I do really love them so much. So much more than anything or anyone – including you Jordan, sorry! The baby blues aren’t talked about enough and I wanted this blog to show that not everybody feels the sudden gush of love, I didn’t and I’m not ashamed of that.
Lots of love
P.S Sorry if you’ve just found out your pregnant!
On to the next blog!